What signs are there that you can look for to confirm this?

1) For one thing, look for the obvious first: heavy drinking. If the person is drinking large amounts of alcohol, and you are noticing it more and more frequently, then this is your biggest clue right there.

2) Calling in sick to work or avoiding normal obligations. If the person is ducking their responsibilities more and more often, such as missing appointments or calling in sick to work on a regular basis, then this is another sign that they might be a closet alcoholic.

3) Ducking out early from commitments - this is a sign that someone wants to or needs to go start drinking. If they just don’t stick around like they used to, perhaps this is the reason for it? If they are hiding their drinking then they need to get away from people so they can isolate more and more often.

4) Isolation. They are a closet drinker so they need to be alone as much as possible. So if you notice someone isolating a lot then this can be another sign.

5) Tendency to lie about their drinking – if someone continues to lie to you about their drinking, then this is another strong indicator that there is a real problem there.

Basically, the closet drinker is in denial, and they are lying both to themselves and to the rest of the world. They generally believe that they do not have a real problem, because they have been able to basically keep it MOSTLY under control for so long. They have not really been “found out” and exposed as the full fledged alcoholic that they really are, so their denial is much stronger than it would be in many other drinkers. They are still trying to hold things together and prove to themselves and to the rest of the world that they are not really a true alcoholic. Well, this doesn’t really fly if you know what to look for and you pick up on all the clues.

It is one thing to wonder about this if we are considering strangers, but it is another thing entirely when the person in question is a close friend or family member. If we believe that they have a serious addiction to alcohol, is there a way that we can help them?

Is it possible to confront them and help them break through their denial? Let’s take a look.

The price of confrontation

Confrontation has a price, and it is usually resentment. People don’t like it when we get in their face and suggest that they have serious problem with their drinking is probably not the best way how to help an alcoholic. In some cases–depending on how we handle it–the confrontation can seem to make things worse. The alcoholic in question might resent the “accusations” and draw further into isolation, only to fuel their anger with yet more drinking.

So confronting someone is a calculated risk. How can we know when the time is right to speak up?

One strategy on how to  help an alcoholic a is to wait for opportunities to do so. For example, if the person in question is just coming off a particularly nasty bender, or if they are just getting out of jail due to a drunk driving charge, they might be more receptive to the idea of change at these moments. Instead of trying to “kick them while they are down,” the idea is to offer help or encourage change when they are most receptive to it.

If everything is going fairly smoothly in their life (for the moment) then they are not likely to entertain the idea of massive change (quitting drinking or asking for help with it).

So it might help to use a bit of timing when you try to approach someone like this.

But what if they are out of control?

If they are reaching a breaking point in their addiction then you should probably just force the issue and confront them on it. This is especially true if you are genuinely concerned that they are an immediate threat to themselves or others.

If they are truly losing control then you need to do your part and try to help them or convince them to seek help, even in spite of the risk. They might take offense and resent you for it but if they are in real danger then you should probably confront them anyway.

What about a formal intervention?

A formal intervention is where you organize all of the person’s friends and family members and get them all together so that you can confront the alcoholic and try to convince them to go to treatment.

Now just like an informal confrontation, this is another calculated risk on your part. My opinion on the formal intervention is that it is generally not worth doing, even if you are desperate to see some change. This is because outcomes with formal interventions are usually pretty lousy and are almost entirely dependent on the alcoholic, not on the family. In other words, if someone is ready to make a change, then the formal intervention is not necessary.

And, if someone is not ready to change, then no intervention effort in the world is going to make any bit of difference. It really is dependent on the alcoholic, not on the efforts to change them or convince them of anything.

Can you really help someone with alcohol addiction? The answer is essentially: “not really.” Yes you can offer help, and you can be supportive and you can make suggestions, but ultimately you cannot help the alcoholic in any sort of direct way.

Now this does not mean that you should not try to help them, nor does it mean that there is never a time and a place for a formal intervention. Just understand that there is no magic wand you can wave, and that at best you are probably planting a seed in their mind for future change.

Now obviously if you organized a large intervention, the ideal situation is if you convinced them to go to treatment and they agreed and then lived happily ever after and never drank again. What I am saying is that this is very remote outcome, and any path to lasting sobriety is bound to be a bit more complicated and involved than this.

So you can still organize an intervention if you think the person would respond well to this sort of thing, but understand that it is not a magic bullet and you should not pin all of your hopes on it.

So what can you do to help?

There are still things that you can do to help, but they are probably not as direct as you would like. The problem is that the direct routes to helping are largely ineffective. What you can do is to change your own behavior so as not to enable the person or further their addiction. In other words, you can do your part and then leave the changing up to them. Here are some ways to change your own behavior so as to help the struggling alcoholic:

1) Do not enable them

2) Do not rescue them

3) Practice detachment

4) Set healthy limits

Good luck, and never give up hope. People do change!

Photo by mrhayata

So what if your friend or your loved one is struggling with addiction? This is a common problem and it can be devastating for those who are standing by on the sidelines, virtually helpless to do anything.

So what can we do? Here are some basic strategies to guide you in dealing with the situation:

First things first – taking care of YOU

The first priority if you find yourself in this situation is to take care of yourself first. This might sound a bit counter-intuitive because you probably want to help the struggling addict in your life more than anything else in the world. And therein lies the problem.

Codependency can creep into a relationship like this and we might find ourselves “addicted to the addict.” In cases like this we need to put our foot down and take care of our own needs before addressing the needs of others. This might not apply to everyone’s situation but it is common enough that it needs mentioning here.

Examine your behavior in relationship to the struggling addict. Are you scrambling around to try and cover for their mistakes? Are you spending more time and energy worrying about them than you do about your own problems? If so, then you need to practice this idea of taking care of yourself first so that you do not let their addiction run your life.

Action items – What you can do:

1) Start putting your needs first - when you find yourself obsessing over the drama with the addict in your life, bring the focus back to your own life and your own problems. Take care of “me” today.

2) Allow the struggling addict to suffer their own natural consequences – without your constant intervention to “save” them.

Learn to identify enabling and codependent behavior

Codependency and enabling are two behaviors that will actually perpetuate the addiction cycle further if you are prone to using them in your relationship with the addict. Therefore, you want to identify these 2 behaviors and make sure you’re not engaging in either of them.

Codependent behavior would be if you are playing “caretaker” in the life of the addict. Rescuing them and not allowing them to experience the natural consequences of their actions is actually hurting them because it keeps them stuck in a cycle of addiction. If you are constantly rescuing them and not allowing them to experience any pain then why would they ever consider changing? They won’t.

Codependency can be difficult to overcome because the codependent person often has their own self esteem wrapped up in the caretaking of the struggling addict. They feel like it is their duty to do whatever they can to try and help, even though most of the “helping” actions are actually perpetuating the addictive cycle.

The idea of enabling runs parallel to this. Any time that you interact with the addict in your life, ask yourself: “Am I doing something that the addict should be doing for themselves?” If the answer is “yes I am, but they can’t do it because they are hooked on drugs,” then you should not do it. We think we are helping them but we are just enabling them to continue with their addiction.

If the addict is going to wake up and make a decision to change their life it is not going to be when everything is going smooth and things are coming up roses. It’s going to be during a period of pain in their lives when they have exhausted all options.

Action items – What you can do:

1) Never deny an addict their pain – because this is what will eventually drive them change. This doesn’t mean you must try to trip them up or intentionally hurt them or get them into trouble. They will do that on their own. Simply stop rescuing them and covering for them and bailing them out. Let them face their consequences.

2) Start living for yourself instead of others – if your purpose in life is to take care of someone else, there is a problem. You must refocus your efforts on building your own healthy self esteem.

Set limits and boundaries

When it comes to dealing with the struggling addict in your life, there is a real need to set healthy boundaries so that you do not allow them to walk all over your life. Remember that this is about putting your needs first in order to help them get to a point of surrender. They will not move towards this surrender if you allow them to push you around and take advantage of you.

Given that, you need to set limits and boundaries. How can you do this? Well, you need to define what is acceptable behavior from the addict. The best way to look at it is to determine what is acceptable behavior whether they are drunk or high or whether they are sober. In other words, never use their disease as an excuse for their behavior. If they are abusive or careless and you shrug it off because they were on drugs, this is not setting proper boundaries. If it is unacceptable from a sober person than it is unacceptable, period. There are no excuses to be made just because someone abuses drugs.

Now if this is going to have any impact on the addict then you have to communicate your limits and boundaries to them. In order to do this you have to first get really clear with yourself on what those limits are. Sit down and figure them out ahead of time. Also figure out your response if the person violates your personal boundaries. For example, if someone is habitually thrown in jail for drunk driving, you might decide that this is unacceptable behavior and you can let them know that if it happens again you will walk out of the relationship and go stay with a relative for a few weeks. You might also say that you will never bail them out again. These are examples of boundaries. They are not threats.

You want to be careful when setting limits and boundaries not to make idle threats. This means that whatever you say to the addict, you need to be 100 percent honest and willing to follow through on your promises. If you set a boundary and then later the addict tests it and you don’t follow through with what you said you would do, then this will only hurt their chances at deciding to get clean and sober. Why should they change if they discover that your “threats” were hollow and that they can get away with anything? So don’t make promises that you won’t follow through on or it could be detrimental in the long run.

Action items – What you can do:

1) Get clear on what your boundaries are. If you need help figuring out what these are, then consult a local Al-Anon group and ask them to help you figure out what some healthy boundaries are for your relationship.

2) Communicate these boundaries openly and plainly with the struggling addict in your life. Try not to sound threatening because you are not making threats. You are merely asserting what your course of action will be if they continue to abuse the relationship they have with you by abusing themselves.

Convince them to go to treatment

There is some controversy with this idea because many people believe that convincing someone to go to treatment before they have “hit bottom” is a waste of time. The reason for this is that most people will not be ready to change their lives unless they have really surrendered to their disease and asked for help.

That’s the key in most cases: they have to ask for help. That is the best signal that someone is ready to change and even if they have asked for help and genuinely want treatment there is still large chance that they will fail to achieve meaningful sobriety. Now this doesn’t mean that we should not try to get clean and sober because some people do achieve sobriety, but understand that sometimes even a failed attempt is a necessary path on the long road to recovery.

Given such staggering odds, is it really worth it then to convince someone to go to treatment even though they have not yet surrendered and asked for help? Some would argue against it but if you are desperate enough and if you think that the addict is at some sort of breaking point then it still might be worth the effort. Sometimes the better option is to simply let them know that help is available and any time they are ready to change their life then you will do what you can to help them find treatment.

Action items – What you can do:

1) Offer help, but do not push it. If they are ready for real change in their life then a strong argument will not be necessary.

2) Casually explore local treatment options. Do not invest too much time or energy into this. Simply learn what is available so you will have some ideas when the time is right.

Consider a formal intervention

Most people are familiar with the process of the formal intervention: you get all of the addict’s friends and relatives together and confront the addict to try and get them to change. Usually there is a specific goal involved such as getting them to go to treatment.

Again, there are lots of arguments against this idea and in some cases an intervention can actually be counter-productive, forcing the addict to withdrawal further from you. But it still might be a useful option if any of the following is true for your situation:

1) You have tried everything else in order to convince the addict to get help with no response.

2) There are other people in the addict’s life that you think will have greater influence than you do.

3) The struggling addict is at a point of self destruction anyway and you are grasping at straws to save them.

So these are situations where you might go ahead and try to organize a formal intervention even in spite of the risks. Just keep in mind that it is far from being a magic bullet, and might just be another step on the path to sobriety.

If you do go ahead with a formal intervention consider getting professional help for it, and also consider the idea of having a very specific goal in mind (such as convincing the addict to go to a specific treatment center with which you’ve made prior arrangements).

Action items – What you can do:

1) Consider an intervention as a last resort or a drastic measure with real risks involved. Recognize that it is not a magic bullet.

2) Consider professional help in conducting the intervention and push to have a specific goal such as check-in at a local treatment center.

If anyone has any questions or comments please feel free to leave a comment below

Another helpful article from addiction help resource.