A couple people have emailed me and asked: “What can I do to help my friend who is an alcoholic or a drug addict?”
There are a couple of approaches you can take and a couple of options. Let’s take a look.
First of all, you want to be supportive and at the same time you kind of want to urge them to get some help. And if they are defensive about their drinking or their drug problem, then anything you do to try and get them to seek help is going to seem like an attack, to them.
If this is the case then it means that they are stuck in denial. You can see that it is clearly a problem in their life, but they are hanging on to the idea that “it is not that bad” and that “they can control it when they really want to.”
The fact is that if they are a real addict or a real alcoholic, then there will be times every now and then when they cannot control it, and when their addiction does get the better of them. But their denial is based on the idea that MOST of the time, they actually can control it. This is how denial works with any addiction. The addict or alcoholic focuses on the times in their past when they were able to control their drug of choice and have fun with it, and no one got hurt and no one got into any trouble. The focus their mental energy on those good times and simply try their best to dismiss or block out the bad experiences when they lost control of their drinking or using.
If they are stuck in denial like this then there is not a whole lot you can do. One, you can encourage treatment, but they do not believe that they really need treatment at this point.
Two, you could organize a formal intervention, in which you basically get everybody together to try and convince this person that they need rehab. Again, if they are in denial, then this will probably not sway them.
Three, you could go to an Al-anon meeting, and share your story in dealing with the addict or alcoholic in your life with the people there. This is really the best idea and it has the most potential at actually changing the long term outcome of the addict in your life. Why? Because at Al-anon, you will learn how to set healthy boundaries and limits that will actually make an impact on the life and the decisions of the alcoholic. Sometimes it may not seem like you can have much of an impact, but your reactions, and at times, your enabling behavior, may be important. If you can learn how to set these healthy boundaries then it might push your friend closer to surrender.
Keep in mind that addicts and alcoholics do not just up and decide to change their life and quit using drugs when everything is hunky-dory in their life. They do not take on the monumental task of quitting drugs and embracing recovery and facing their ultimate fear when things are going decent for them. No, they will only face this soul-crushing task of epic proportions when they have absolutely no other option, and they are completely miserable. It is only when they have been broken down fully due to their dependency that they will become open to the idea of trying something different.
Your job is to get out of the way enough so that the addict or alcoholic in your life and experience enough pain. This is what will ultimately motivate them to change. You have to let them suffer their own consequences, and pray that their life will self-correct eventually….
